i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
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Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
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How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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