does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
