swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
