I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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