Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
