There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
