there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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