Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
