Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
