i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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