I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
