He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
