1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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