my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
where does the pee come out of this thing
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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