Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
