Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
