Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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