the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
