The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize