My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
