I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
