she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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