So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you will always have a special place in my vag
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
