if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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