like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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