he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
