Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
