The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
