guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
3pm strippers are depressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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