I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
