Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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