so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
