The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
