Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
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What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
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Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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