Got a toothbrush?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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