I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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