If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
