Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
