I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
