i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
