One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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