He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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