Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
