I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
