I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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