If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
