doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
