My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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