The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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