So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
