So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
