I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
