next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
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Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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