Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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